Karen Answers C.F. MD

Comment by C.F. MD on October 2, 2008 12:03 pm

Karen,

Iʼll be blunt. Well written and emotionally disturbing that these things can happen. I can believe. In the book it was written that you had thoughts of hurting yourself, even to the point one of your alters attempted it to rid you of your femininity. In sharing this with your psychiatrist what did you believe you would accomplish? Were you turned on by sharing? Do you believe Dr. Baer was? If I were in his position Iʼm not sure I couldʼve handle it without trying to empathize and feel your experiences. Stating this, a psychiatrist can remove himself emotionally after the session is over but during the time he listened how did you perceive him? Did you try to spare him the details because of his feelings or yours?

The both of you, and this book are miraculous and an asset to the medical field.

C.F. MD

Dear C.F. MD,

Thank you for your questions and believing that this illness does happen. Yes, an alter of mine had thoughts of hurting myself. Funny, the alters were always trying to protect me, and Miles thought if he cut away the female parts, I wouldn’t be abused anymore. Unfortunately, he didn’t understand the passage of time, and still wanted to cut me years after the abuse ended. As an eight year old, Miles had no understanding of normal adult sexual relationships and assumed all intimate relations were abusive.

During my initial sessions with Dr. Baer, I was very leery of sharing any details of my abuse. I didn’t wish to hurt anyone, especially Dr. Baer, the only one I came to trust. I never felt turned on, and usually felt inadequate and disgusting afterwards. Each time I shared, I wanted to die. I always felt concerned whether Dr. Baer was okay. I worried that one day he’d heard enough and just tell me to go away, and I’d lose all that I built in trusting him. I felt afraid, never turned on. All I wished for was to be respected. In sharing the details of my abuse, I worried Dr. Baer might lose respect for me. I felt unclean and not like a woman. In sharing the details with Dr. Baer, I hoped I would accomplish understanding. I hoped to be treated kindly, and not like the damaged woman I felt I was.

Dr. Baer turned on? No, I would’ve sensed it and never shared another word with him. He never was sexually attracted to me or to the horrific details I shared. I am sure of this because I was attuned to him. As a matter of fact, I always needed to be attuned to everyone around me in order to survive. What I shared was far from appealing. As I shared my horrific happenings, Dr. Baer sat there and listened without emotion. I don’t ever recall getting a reaction from him, other than his verbally communicating he understood all that I was saying. I believe if he would’ve reacted with much emotion, I would’ve felt the need to protect him and spare him my stories of abuse. I wanted Dr. Baer to feel safe, because I believed I was too much for anyone to handle.

Thank you for believing our book is an asset to the medical field. That’s very important to me.

Karen

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