Karen answers Stampede

Comment by The Stampede on October 27, 2008 12:32 pm

Dear Karen,

Like many others I was diagnosed about six years ago. My husband and I have been dealing with it together for the last two years. It has been a tough road for me. I am just an alter who was created just for the sole purpose to have a “normal life”. (Whatever normal is) I functioned remarkably good for eight years. Once my father passed away my internal world that I didn’t know existed came crashing in. I was diagnosed not long after that and have been in therapy every since.

I now have a wonderful therapist after many tries and am grateful. The problem now is I want my own life but insiders say I am not ready for integration. I am so mentally exhausted and physically drained. I don’t know that I can see it through. I feel that I may never intergrate because I have such a complex system.

I struggle with the horrific memories I recieve these days and I in good moral feel my alters even though did what they did to survive are wrong. It makes me question my religion. I fight with if I will go to heaven or hell when I die.

The reason I am telling you all of this is because I feel like you know what I am going through. This is the first time that I see my struggles in black and white and I feel they are real. There are some days I just feel it isn’t real and any mintue this horrible dream will be over. It isn’t though, I never wake up.

How did you find the strength? I find most of my strength in wanting to be here to watch my sons grow up. I just worry that will not be enough strength to get me through the rest of my journey. I have so many more miles to travel and I am down to a mere crawl. Thank you for Listening.

Dear Stampede,

Thank you for sharing your story.  I totally understand all that you’ve written.  I also had  alters who kept my life as “normal” as possible.  This is how I survived each day.  My alters were born to keep the trauma separate from my everyday life.  I can understand how your father’s death triggered chaos.  My system became chaotic at the birth of my daughter during a cesarean section.  Unfortunately, like you, my past came flooding back and knocked me down. It took many years to get back up, and I did.

In time, as your alters accept therapy and achieve trust with your therapist, I think you will start to change and integration may finally happen. It took many years, actually nine years before my integration was completed.  Dr. Baer had to get each alter on board.  It was exhausting, mentally and physically. However, with you finding the right therapist, I have faith you will make it through.  Having patience is hard but necessary for your alters to gain the strength needed before integration can be accomplished. Please have faith and don’t give up. I fought against the inconceivable and you can too!

I found strength in journaling, accepting my past, and releasing most of my pain.  I fed off Dr. Baer’s strength until I could manage to build strength of my own.  I admit, seeing my story in black and white was therapeutic.  I had journaled all through my life, and my written words were a necessary part of my healing. I thought of my journaling as venting my anger  and my pain became less of a burden for me to carry, and being less of a burden, I was able to function better.

I wish you inner peace and a sense of calm as you continue your journey to wholeness.



Stampede also writes this to the Child Molester.

Comment by The Stampede on October 27, 2008 12:59 pm

Child Molestor,

You are a very sick man. No child ever asks to be abused. No little girl or boy ever asks for it to just happen to them. They aren’t standing in a line with their hand raised in hopes someone will pick them to hurt them and break their faith in a good human existance.

I feel if you rehabilitated yourself you need to allow someone else to help you, a professional would be wise, because you didn’t do the job. I worked in a group home for perpetrators and I honestly believe that perpetrators can be rehabilitated but it requires a lot of hard work and revising your thinking. You clearly are one of the ones that has been rehabilitate thus far. I am not saying you won’t ever be, but at this moment in your life, you need to be real with yourself because you aren’t rehabilitated.


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