Karen answers Madelyn

Comment by Madelyn on October 29, 2008 2:31 am

Karen,

I am in shock of all that you suffered as a child. When reading Switching Time and other articles on you I couldn’t believe how insensitive your mother was. Did she not love you? I would like to ask you a difficult question. Did you ever wish you would’ve died from the tumor on you head? How big was your tumor and did it cover your entire face making you look unlovable? Do you have a huge scar that is still visible? When you were a child and ill all the time what kind of illnesses did you have? As a child that lost time do you think your illnesses were from being abused or regular child illnesses? Do you think you would’ve been abused if your were a well child? You are the strongest woman I ever read about.

Madelyn

 

Dear Madelyn,

I believe the reason my mother was insensitive to my needs was because by ignoring me she didn’t need to deal with the reality of what was happening to me and protected herself.  My mother avoided all signs of the distress I was experiencing in order to believe she was a perfect mother.  My mother always kept things clean, baked, and worked at a job that kept her away five evenings a week.  My mother wasn’t there for me during the hours I was being abused.  I believe my mother loved me in her own way but was unable to express any real emotions.  She never hugged me or said she loved me.

The tumor I had was removed when I was two or three years old.  I can remember the hospital, my crib, my doll, but not the humiliation my mother and father felt when people stared. The tumor covered most of my eye, protruded about two inches, and was between the size of a golf and tennis ball. It wasn’t a pretty sight, but I don’t believe I was abused because of the way I looked.  I still have a scar, but now it’s only slightly visible.

I may have gone through more childhood illnesses than most children do.  Some of my illnesses may have been caused from being abused.  I really don’t know.  Not being a well child wasn’t reason to be abused.  My abusers didn’t care whether I was well or not.  In their minds I was vulnerable, available to them, with no one to protect me.

Karen

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