Karen answers Marcus T

Comment by Markus T. on January 7, 2009 1:18 am

Hi Karen,

Did you ever have fun at any time in your life, during the years of your being abused and kept captive, during high school, college; how about as an adult? Where did you draw the line? What have you done for fun? Has the seriousness during therapy ruined all fun for you? I refuse to go to a therapist for this reason. In the book your therapist talks of you sucking the life out of him. In your answers you constantly defend this. It’s bullshit. Right? Therapists ruin life, not improve it. To properly heal you must learn about life through happiness. Could it be that you healed yourself? Could it be therapy sucked the life out of you? This appears correct. Right?

Markus T

Dear Markus,

Of course I’m capable of having fun and I do.  During my high school years, in college, and as an adult, an alter usually stole all the fun times and experienced them for me.  Unfortunately, I had to dissociate in order to allow myself to be a part of anything that was fun.  After the integration of my seventeen alters, I acquired all of their memories of the fun they once experienced.  I received these memories as my own, yet haven’t really felt them as my own as my alters once did.

It really is difficult to have fun after being an abused child and to allow myself to feel free enough to experience fun on my own.  In a sad way, most joy has been stolen from me.  And although it’s hard to have fun, I now often do and have faith that I will continue to do so.  My abuse belongs in the past, and I must be careful not to allow my past abuse to destroy my future.  I need to let go of my past pain in order to enjoy life.  Living without fear makes me happy.

Therapy is serious.  It’s hard work.  And, yes, it was draining for both Dr. Baer and me.  But we survived. Imagine that!  Maybe my therapy compares to a military boot camp, where one is torn down and rebuilt again in order to become a much stronger version of oneself.

The therapeutic relationship is meant to help patients heal themselves, not for the therapist to provide happiness for his patients. It’s never been Dr. Baer’s job to make me happy. His job was to guide me to finding my own strengths, learn from my weaknesses, and find my own happiness.  I continue to struggle to find happiness in all that I do.  I have survived the past.  I am alive and trying my best to move forward with hope for a better future.

Karen

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